A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press.
I'm reading the news so that you don't have to bother.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
3rd November 2017
“THERE IS NO NEWS TODAY.”
On 18th April 1930, the BBC calmly announced: “There is no news today.” Then piano music filled the dead air. That’s almost happened this week. Sort of. Well, not at all really. I’m away travelling and haven’t seen or heard any news for days. I’m sure there actually has been news, but it’s probably not even remotely interesting. There will have been lots of “un-news” as usual: countless “famous” people I’ve never heard of will have done things that weren’t newsworthy, some won’t have done anything at all – they will just have worn a dress or gone shopping, but were photographed. There might have been news, but there’s probably been very little worth reporting.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
27th October 2017
​
YOUR REGULAR WEEKEND ROUND UP OF ALL THE NEWS AND GOSSIP THAT NO ONE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN.
​
​
Unlucky for someone, rude, finger-pointing Alan Sugar’s Apprentice is gathering momentum as the clueless candidates are whittled down to a more manageable number. If you’re thinking of applying for next year’s show, here is a handy guide to the lingo:
​
“I’m a salesman.” (I work on a market stall.)
“I own my own business.” (I make cupcakes in my kitchen.)”
“I’m an electronics expert.” (I’ve got a Playstation and several mobile phones.)
“I’m a good negotiator.” (I argue a lot.)
“I’m a born leader.” (People hate me.)
To be on the Apprentice, any genuine business acumen can be a disadvantage as you may not make good TV. Ideally, you must be so up yourself that you have to roll into the boardroom.
​
As singer, Paul Weller of the Jam once sang when he was still in the Jam: “That’s entertainment.” As Smiths' frontman Morrissey once sang, when he was still in the Smiths: "It was really nothing."
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
20th October 2017
​
YOUR REGULAR WEEKEND ROUND UP OF ALL THE NEWS THAT NO ONE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN.
​
In America, rumours abound that tycoon/president Donald Trump’s trophy wife and former girlfriend, Melania, has been replaced in a bizarre Stepford Wives style conspiracy. The rumours began some time ago but are gathering credibility. It is alleged that a body double is standing in for the real FLOTUS (First Lady of the US). It may be that the genuine Mrs Flotus has refused to play ball, because she’s embarrassed by her husband’s antics, or she might be cowering in a fall-out shelter after seeing his “to do” list.
​
In British politics, British female Prime Minister and wife, Mrs Theresa May, is the last to admit what everyone else already knows… that Brexit has all gone horribly tits *p.
​
Pregnant WAG, Coleen Rooney, is taking her seventh holiday of the year, without her cheating, drink-driving, footballing, doing-Community-Service-in-a-garden-centre husband, Wayne. She is reported to be heading to Barbados along with her three sons, Kai, Klay and Kit. Three Ks… Draw your own conclusions. Meanwhile, disgraced striker Wayne will be unpacking a crate of poinsettias, watering the winter-flowering shrubs and changing the displays by the tills.
​
On TV, female funnymen, Mel and Sue, are reuniting with exceptional bake maker, Mary Berry, for a spectacular show at Christmas. It looks like dough-wrangler and narcissist, Paul Hollywood, is the only member of the former Bake Off team who hasn’t been asked to join the party. Paul Hollywood, the founder member of the Paul Hollywood Fan Club, wasn’t available for comment. Not that we asked him – he’d only have made a sarcastic put-down.
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
YOUR REGULAR WEEKEND ROUND UP OF ALL THE NEWS THAT NO ONE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN.
Strictly Come Dancing had audiences on the edge of their seats last week, when that woman partnered with popular professional dancer, Brendan Cole, went out after going through the motions in the dreaded dance off and looking like she’d rather be somewhere else. And now she is.
​
X Factor’s Cheryl Cole has revealed: “Ah divnae like bein’ preggers, like, but I do love havin’ bairns.” Xperts are working on a translation on the off-chance that anyone is interested.
The other hot TV topic of the moment is Sir Amstrad Sugar’s Apprentices, featuring far too many wannabee contestants. Last week the boys lost the task and the Project Manager, who couldn’t run any sort of party in a brewery or elsewhere, was unceremoniously fired. In this week’s show, Claude will be trying not to laugh and Karen will be looking increasingly like a drag act.
​
And finally the weather… it’s raining.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
14th October 2017
There has been so much earth-shattering news over the past week or two that we may run out of room, out of time or lose the will to live.
​
Firstly, CHERYL IS RETURNING TO THE X FACTOR THIS YEAR. She’s so important she doesn’t even get a surname, but we must assume it’s footballer Ashley Cole’s wife.
​
Sticking with footballers, if you’re out buying alpines for your new rockery, then you might bump into love-rat and Everton striker, Wayne Rooney, who is working for 100 hours at a garden centre as community service for his drink-driving shame. He admitted to being almost three times over the limit. If you do see him you could offer him a lift home, as he also has a two-year driving ban. But be warned – he is in trouble with his wife, Mrs Rooney, as he was caught drunk in charge of a motor vehicle and a woman of the non-wife variety on board.
Lord Sir Alan Sugar, former Cockney barrow boy and millionaire, is back on the screen with The Apprentice, featuring a shed load of candidates who talk the talk, but couldn’t organise a cutlery drawer. Watching the young hopefuls come unstuck and humiliate themselves is a pure joy, resulting in at least one of them being fired by Sir Sugar – the man who unleashed the Amstrad tower system on the world. Bizarrely, Lord Alan always gets to keep his job.
​
Strictly Come Dancing is back, with its two popular female hosts: the blonde one and the dark one, plus a glittering line-up of celebrities, most of whom you’ve never heard of.
NEWS IN BRIEF. Theresa May coughed a lot. Princess Kate of Middleton is eating for two again – for the third time. The Queen – it was revealed this week – hates garlic. And usually her daughters-in-law.
​
And finally, the weather. Hurricane Ophelia is on her way. Brace yourselves, or get thee to a nunnery. Go!
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
25th September 2017
​
END OF THE WORLD POSTPONED
​
The world was supposed to end on 23rd September, when the mysterious Planet X crashed into the Earth. Thanks to an inside source we can now reveal this didn’t happen. The prophet/profit of doom who foretold this cataclysm has now changed the time to a date in October. Meanwhile, tycoon president and former US Apprentice host, Donald Trump and Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un (we don’t know if he ever hosted a gameshow) are doing their very best to make the predictions of doom come true.
​
On a brighter note… some kittens were born in Chichester and it seems to have stopped raining.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
15th September 2017
​
A ROUND UP OF SOME OF THE NEWS STORIES THAT AREN’T WORTH COMMENTING ON, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
​
Today we start with Healthy Living. In a shock revelation, an article on drinking water has revealed that drinking water can rehydrate you. As if that wasn’t enough, the piece goes on to suggest that adding a slice of lemon to the water has additional health benefits, because Cameron Diaz does this and (the article states) “she’s my second favorite (sic) Charlie’s Angel! So why not follow suit!” As there are only three Charlie’s Angels, that’s like saying she’s also your second worst? Not really a huge compliment. But the point is, we should all drink more water.
​
Sock News. A new study has finally answered that huge question that has perplexed thinkers and sleepers for generations. Should you wear socks in bed? The answer is an unequivocal YES. We reveal why: “keeping your feet warm in bed helps you have less restless nights. It also results in falling asleep at a quicker rate.” This reporter can vouch for that; I was wearing socks last Saturday teatime while Strictly Come Dancing was on and I fell asleep in no time.
​
TVs Great British Bake Off has been “Blasted” as “Irresponsible” following a scene in which wittily clever, deadpan presenter, Sandi Toksvig was seen opening a large fridge to reveal her co-host, comedy actor and almost feminine-featured, Noel Fielding inside. She then closes the door on him. Mr Fielding was asked to comment and did, but his reply was very muffled and not legible.
​
The beleaguered show suffered a set-back when it changed channels and previous hosts, female funnymen Mel and Sue, opted not to follow. A further kick in the teeth came when baking expert Mary “That’s an exceptional bake” Berry also gracefully bowed out, then a further and final crushing blow when smug, bread-kneader Paul Hollywood elected to stay with the programme. Unlike one of Mary’s deliciously light sponges, the ratings are not expected to rise.
​
And finally, weather. Earlier in the week Britain was warned in the usual headline-grabbing and sensational terms to “brace for winds of up to 75mph” and “Storm Aileen is set to batter Britain.” This reporter can’t actually comment on the ferocity of said storm, as I slept through it. Possibly due to me wearing socks.
​
So – wear socks in bed, drink plenty of water and enjoy the weekend.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
13th September 2017
​
MISS TEXAS CRITICIZES DONALD TRUMP AT MISS AMERICA 2018
​
At the not-at-all-sexist, Miss America 2018 competition, held annually and every year in America, US, a stunning beauty known only as “Miss Texas”, “slammed” American President Donald Trump for his “reluctance” to “condemn” “White Supremacy”.
​
The fact she had a political opinion at all stunned onlookers, who were stunned while looking-on. And ogling.
​
The astute hottie proved that beautiful women can also be intelligent; she then posed in seductive, slinky swimwear and then a sophisticatedly sexy evening gown.
​
Politically-aware yet leggy Miss Texas came fourth runner-up, losing out to Miss North Dakota. (Funny how these women’s names are all American states.) Dakota also criticized wealthy business tycoon and president, Donald Trump.
​
Neither Texas or Dakota were available for comment, but an insider said both babes were hoping for world peace. Donald Trump was also not available for comment, but an insider said that world peace wasn’t something on Don’s mind at the moment.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
8th September 2017
​
A ROUND UP OF SOME OF THE NEWS STORIES THAT HAVEN’T EVEN HAPPENED, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
​
Well, I’m on holiday and am writing this and scheduling it a week in advance, (that’s a week ago to you) so I’m not sure what has happened in the news or the world in general, so I’m going to guess.
​
The chances are President Trump has said and/or done some outrageous things and caused embarrassment to his country, if not encouraged Armageddon. PM Theresa May has most likely been conspicuous by her absence and looked knackered on the few occasions when she was spotted. Some “celebrities” have probably split up/got together/ done something limelight-seeking (delete as appropriate).
​
Local news. The Gloucestershire village of Bisley is looking for a keen gardener – but not that keen, as the post is only for two hours a week maximum. In nearby Chalfont, Chris Attwood has been appointed as the new parish groundsman. He is photographed wearing a hi-viz waistcoat, so he clearly means business and takes Health and Safety seriously.
​
And now for the weather. It has probably been a very mixed week with some cold spells, some sunny spells and some rain, heavy in places and lighter in other places.
​
Horoscopes. Regardless of your star sign, something good will happen to you on Monday, but by Tuesday you’ll be feeling annoyed. Towards the end of the week you’ll bump into someone you haven’t seen for a long time. On Friday a stranger will pay you a complement. On Saturday you’ll go into a slump when you find out you haven’t won the lottery. On Sunday morning you’ll have a lie-in and rue the fact that it will be Monday in the morning. But right now it’s the weekend, so enjoy it!
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
7th September 2017
​
STRICTLY GONE DANCING
​
The UK reaches fever pitch as Strictly Come Dancing returns to our screens on Saturday. The nation was at a standstill… but this was mainly due to gridlocked traffic. This will be the first series, of course, since entertainment legend Sir Bruce Forsyth died last month. The show promises a tribute to Brucie’s memory.
The returning judges are ballet dancing posh bird Darcey Bussell, energetic Italian windmill Bruno Tonioli and lemon-sucking, pantomime dame Craig Revel-Horwood. After Head Judge Len Goodman’s retirement last year, new Head Judge Shirley Ballas, “Queen of Latin” takes over. I will certainly be tuning in, as I’m told “We enjoy watching it together.” And it means I’ll get my tea made.
Meanwhile, former judge Len Goodman had been with the show since 1911. The humorous Cockney retired at the end of the season last year. Hang on, retired? He’s so retired that he now hosts a new show: Partners in Rhyme. Unfortunately for likeable Len, this new show is anything other than likeable. It has been panned by critics and the eight people who watched it Tweeted things like: “Painful.” “Utter trash.” “Tripe.” And “Bloody awful.” Len – you should have bowed out gracefully.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
4th September 2017
​
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU... BUT SEEMINGLY NO ONE IS WATCHING BIG BROTHER
​
If you enjoy watching people sleep and eating with their mouths open, then you probably enjoy Big Brother. Celebrity Big Brother – something of a misnomer – has now finished for 2017. (I didn’t even notice it had started.) It was the least watched series of its 16 year run. Apparently, Girls Aloud singer, Sarah Harding won. The average audience was 1.3 million.
This begs a very serious question… who the hell are these 1.3 million people?
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
1st September 2017
A VAIN ATTEMPT TO ROUND UP SOME OF THE NEWS STORIES THAT HAVE BARELY KEPT THE NATION AWAKE OVER THE PAST WEEK, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
First we look at world politics. Or should that be “End of the world” politics. DONALD TRUMP WARNS NORTH KOREA OVER MISSILE TEST: 'ALL OPTIONS ARE ON THE TABLE'. It can’t hurt to buy extra tinned food and bottled water for the cellar.
Sticking with Armageddon, even without Donald Trump’s help, doomsday is apparently approaching in the form of rogue planet, cleverly called Planet X, which will allegedly be visible in mid-September, just before it destroys the Earth. Anyone who is a fan of classic Doctor Who may realise the similarity with William Hartnell’s last story, The Tenth Planet, in which a mysterious rogue planet approaches the Earth and starts to destroy it. X, of course, is the Roman numeral for 10. Coincidence? Or a giant publicity stunt by Doctor Who showrunner, Steven Moffat, who bows out on Christmas Day, in a show featuring the aforementioned tenth planet. Insiders believe Moffat has moved the planet closer to Earth’s orbit just to gain publicity.
A conspiracy theorist author claims the coming of Planet X is written in the pyramids. NASA claim the planet does not exist and it is all hogwash. But then they do claim a lot of things that allegedly aren’t true.
​
Environmental news. The government have unveiled new tests aimed at cutting nitrogen dioxide emissions by 66%. The government could help considerably if they sold some of their own fleets of cars. Remember left wing hypocrite John “Two Jags” Prescott?
Meanwhile, Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, is reportedly seen as “a joke” by the Trump administration. Has Donald ever taken a look in the mirror? Boris may be a joke, but he’s OUR joke and so far he isn’t threatening to bring the world to the brink of nuclear annihilation. Mr Johnson wasn’t available for comment. Mr Trump probably was available, but we didn't bother to enquire.
Journalistic presenter and former Britain’s Got Talent judge, Piers Morgan, has broken several ribs “after falling on his “a***”. Which probably means “arse”. Morgan, 52, Tweeted to his six million followers: “BREAKING (literally...) NEWS: I've broken 3 ribs falling flat on my a***.” He didn’t get the public response he presumably wanted. One uncaring but witty follower Tweeted: “Has it knocked any sense in you????” Public opinion is divided – between “No” and “Of course not!”.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
26th August 2017
​
WHY YOU SHOULD "OWN" A CAT
​
A report just out reveals that cats can help reduce stress. This is great news for anyone who finds being snubbed relaxing. The report surprisingly also states that cats are better than dogs! It claims they have a smaller carbon footprint than dogs; well, yes, they generally have smaller feet!
​
“Better” is a subjective word and meaningless without context. Let’s look at some of the scientific evidence, scientifically.
You seldom see security guards doing their rounds with a kitten on a lead. FACT.
We don’t have police cat-handlers. FACT.
Cats won’t sniff out a hoard of drugs or a bomb. FACT.
Cats won’t chase off burglars. FACT.
Cats never attack anyone you want them to – only their family, when you’re trying to cuddle them when they’re watching 60 Minute Makeover. FACT.
Can you imagine Pavlov’s cat? “I’m not eating the food just because you ring a bell!” FACT.
​
A female spokesman who lives down a cul-de-sac said: “Sorry love, I’ve forgotten the question.”
​
If you’re allergic to cats or just allergic to having the sides of your antique chaise longe shredded, the report states that simply watching film footage of cats can have a similar calming effect to living with one, so you can use the time that you would have spent cleaning up cat sick watching clips of them on YouTube.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
25th August 2017
​
A YAWN AND A QUICK RUN DOWN OF THE MOST CAPTIVATING NEWS STORIES FROM THE LAST SEVEN DAYS, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
The nation has been ticking off icons this week. Firstly, entertainment legend Sir Bruce Forsyth, who died last Friday, aged 89 and then Big Ben of London, who won’t be chiming for four years, due to maintenance.
Across the pond – and as far away from iconry as it’s possible to be: Don Trump. Experts insist that he will be gone before Christmas “at the very latest”. If he isn’t, there isn’t likely to be an “after Christmas”.
​
Entertainment. New female Doctor Who, Jodie Whittaker, will be accompanied on the chase through time and space by comedian, host and actor, Bradley Walsh of Weatherfield.
The former sheet metal worker and professional footballer was born in Watford and now lives in Essex, which is apparently the only way. He has a wife of twenty years and is father of two. (Children.) The wheel of fortune has turned for Bradley, who is excited about his new role, though there is a backlash from Who fans, asking “Is this a joke?”
And finally, the weather: prepare for sun. or rain. But probably both.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
24th August 2017
​
It’s apparently NATIONAL BURGER DAY. Good old Britain, scheduling a day to celebrate one of the most toxic foods available.
If you’re slim, have a low cholesterol count and your blood pressure is at a healthy rate and you’d like increase all these, plus your sodium and saturated fat intake and your chance of getting cancer and other life-threatening conditions, then rush out and get a beef burger. To really decrease your longevity always add fries* as well.#+
* Formerly known as chips.
# Your statutory rights are not affected.
+ Your lifespan may be.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
19th August 2017
​
GARY BARLOW AND LOOKALIKE SON DANIEL POSE SHIRTLESS IN RARE PHOTO TOGETHER
​
Singer/songwriter and frontman of boyband, Take That, has been spotted in a photograph with his son, Daniel. Due to a quirk of genetics – or could it be magic, Danny looks similar to his father, Gary Barlow of Take That fame. If you look at the photo through half closed eyes, or look in a different direction, he does bear a striking passing resemblance to shirtless Take That singer, Gary Barlow. Fans are calling for Dan to gather some friends and reform Take That, who haven’t split up. Maybe calling themselves Take This and doing all the Take That hits penned by singer/songwriter, Gary Barlow of Take That, like that Barry Manilow one they did.
​
Daniel Barlow was unavailable for comment, despite being assured it only takes a minute. Although he’s married, Gary Barlow has written a musical. He was unavailable for comment; he was loving angels instead. Oh, wait, that was the other one. An insider close to Take That’s Gary Barlow was unavailable for comment.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
18th August 2017
​
A FLEETING ROUND UP OF SOME OF THE NEWS STORIES THAT HAVE BARELY KEPT THE NATION AWAKE OVER THE PAST WEEK, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
Britain’s answer to a comedy duo, Ant and Dec, have hit the headlines due to Ant McPartlin’s addiction to prescription drugs rendering him unready to rumble. Ant broke his silence to thank fans for their support. Best pal, Declan Donnelly, was unavailable for comment.
Meanwhile, David Beckham “divides fans” with “shocking” “new hairstyle”. Or… to cut it short, he’s now got longish hair.
Politics. Across the pond… in America, part of the United States, former * US President Donald Trump embarrassed his nation yet again. No, not just the hinged hair, it was something about an offensive and inappropriate text he sent.
* Sorry, I was just teasing, but fingers crossed.
The Strictly Come Dancing 2017 “stars” to thrill the British and UK public on the dancefloor this year will include Gemma Atkinson, Mollie King and Aston Merrygold. We’ll have a full report for you as soon as we’ve heard of any of them. Rumours abound that fame-seeking Matt Goss or his twin brother would appear. When asked, Mr Goss, or the other one, said: “I can’t answer. I can’t answer that.” Also former East End bad boy and gangster befriender, Ross Kemp, formerly of Spandau Ballet, is hinted to be in the line-up. Not for the first time, eh Guv’nor?
And finally, the weather. Papers warn that “Hurricane Gert aftermath will split the UK”. (This reporter has to wonder how the hell they choose the names of extreme weather.) The storm is expected to bring strong winds and rain in the North and sunshine to the south. How typical is that? Will we northerners even notice? My advice – stay in the pub, drink northern ale and talk about world events.
TFI Friday!
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
14th August 2017
​
LOOK, WHO’S BACK FOR CHRISTMAS
​
The BBC have released an advert for the Christmas Day Doctor Who episode, in which the excellent Peter Capaldi regenerates into a woman. (That’s got to hurt!) This story features loveable curmudgeon, the First Doctor – as played by loveable curmudgeon, William Hartnell… The daddy of them all - as the kids might also say. (Or might have said if it was 1973.) The clip shows the real, genuine and authentical Hartnell speaking in black and white; he then seamlessly, imperceptibly changes into lookalike actor, David Bradley in full Technicolor ©, who is taking on the role at Christmas. It is a breath-taking spectacle of digital wizardry. Kindly curmudgeon-typecast actor, Bradley played William Hartnell in the exceptional “An Adventure in Time and Space”, which was a biopic about the seminal years of the show, written by former League of Gentlemanist, Mark Gatiss, who coincidentally appears in the Christmas episode. David Bradley previously appeared in Broadchurch.
​
In this reporter’s humble opinion, the inclusion of the first Doctor is far more of a selling point for the Christmas Day episode than the eventual and inevitable regeneration of Capaldi. I am sorry to see him go; I loved his interpretation of the character, especially his lack of human qualities. Mr Capaldi was not available for comment.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
11th August 2017
​
​
A BRIEF LOOK AT SOME OF THE NEWS STORIES THAT HAVE FASCINATED PEOPLE OR PERSON OVER THE PAST WEEK, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
​
Former British Prime Minister and raging Tory Boy, David Cameron, was warned by the SAS not to swim in the sea whilst holidaying in Cornwall, Britain. There had been a sewage leak and the sea was potentially contaminated with… well, sewage. The SAS (Surfers Against Sewage) warned bathers to avoid the sea at all costs. Quitter Cameron, clad in a wet suit, ignored or was ignorant of this advice and took to the waves. Onlookers were stunned. A woman with a dog stood with her mouth open and said: “David who?” It isn’t the first time that David Cameron’s been in the shit.
​
Meanwhile, scientists with too much money have conducted a unique and thrilling DNA test experiment on a Cotswold village, England, Britain, and discovered that half the village are related. Is anyone surprised by that? It is a close-knit community, so surely that would be expected. When they say related, they refer to fourth cousins and the like, so it’s not like everyone is banging their sister. It just seems such a ludicrous waste of time and money. On a similar theme, this headline appeared in newspapers last week: KYRA SEDGWICK ON WHEN SHE LEARNED HUSBAND KEVIN BACON IS HER COUSIN. So are most of the Trisha and Jeremy Kyle audiences, but they don’t go on about it.
​
Finally, weather – just look out of the window. As it’s the weekend in Britain the chances are it’s raining. So, skip to the bar and make mine a double. Happy weekending.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
8th August 2017
​
KATE MIDDLETON WILL NEVER LIVE UP TO PRINCESS DIANA, SAYS BUTLER PAUL BURRELL
​
Former royal butler, flower arranger and self-proclaimed “Diana's rock”, Paul Burrell, has said that the Duchess of Cambridge doesn't have the 'magic quality' that the 'Queen of Hearts' possessed. Mr Burrell must have assumed people were interested in his opinion. He is always available at short notice to inflate his own importance in connection with Princess Diana. Despite being married and owning a flower shop with his now-ex-wife, Burrell came out as gay, which shocked an old lady in a retirement home in Eastbourne, but no one else. Diana’s former husband, bread-maker Charles, Prince of Wales, was unavailable for comment. Mr Wales famously said he would like “to be a tampon” used by his now-wife, Mrs Camilla Wales. But let’s not go there.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
4th August 2017
​
A BRIEF, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT SOME OF THIS WEEK’S FASCINATING NEWS STORIES, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB INSTEAD OF TELLING THEM SOMETHING INTERESTING.
​
Oasis singer and former brother to Noel, Liam Gallagher played twenty minutes of a proposed hour long set in America, between South America and Canada. The festival crowd were outraged. One witness, a girl in glasses said: “Twenty minutes! Why oh why didn’t he leave earlier?”
​
On television, Celebrity Big Brother has returned to the screen; it is on Channel 5 and its sole purpose is to stop the adverts crashing into each other. It is designed to feature celebrities you’ve never heard of, so that the genuine celebs can continue to appear on the Loose Women panel.
​
Over to the weather – after an unsettled week, with some freak weather earlier including hail storms, the world has been warned to stand by for a scorching hot heatwave, during which temperatures will soar and in addition it will get hotter; people will be admitted to emergency rooms with heat stroke due to inadequate protection and reservoirs will start to dry up, resulting in a hosepipe ban – for all uses except washing expensive cars, despite it raining in Britain for 51 weeks a year.
​
Finally, reports reveal that Britain is a nation of weekend binge drinkers… so get your hand in your pocket and get to the bar!
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
4th August 2017
​
OH BROTHER!
​
Big Brother is back. Celebrity Big Brother, that is. Not that you’d know it as most of the “celebs” couldn’t fight their way into a D-list party, except perhaps as catering staff. Amongst those I’ve heard of: Shaun Williamson formerly of the East End. Shaun boasts he “doesn’t miss Eastenders at all.” Me neither.
​
Then there’s Scouse “medium” Derek Acorah, who regularly used to get “possessed” on TVs Most Haunted, which used to terrify audiences by visiting houses that weren’t haunted and where nothing happened. Derek’s time on the show ended in shame in 2005 when he was exposed by the show’s parapsychologist as a fake. Derek says if there are any ghosts in the BB house he will find them! Using his “powers” alone Derek couldn’t find spirits in a cocktail cabinet.
​
Comedienne Helen Lederer is next, famous for appearing fleetingly in every series of Absolutely Fabulous. Then there’s a candidate from The Apprentice, a bloke from Hollyoaks, a girl from Girls Aloud – one of the ones who isn’t Cheryl CoalstoNewcastle. Making up the numbers are a bunch of smiling wannabees, many of them seemingly composed largely of plastic.
​
Thankfully, as the show is now on Channel 5 you don’t have to worry about bumping into it by accident.
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
1st August 2017
KATE SHINES AS SHE RECYCLES WHITE DRESS
Double standards? Queen-to-be-in-all-likelihood Princess Kate of Middleton has been commended for recycling a previously-worn dress. The thrifty princess wore a dazzling white ensemble on two occasions and because she looked stunning each time and was young and pretty it received a thumbs-up from the press. Mrs Middleton was unavailable for comment.
​
Meanwhile, poor old Theresa May, currently on her summer hols, has been condemned as a stingy old harridan because she was photographed wearing a plain pink dress on two occasions. Admittedly, it did look like she had dressed after a hasty Oxfam shopping-spree.
​
Many voters were at first impressed when May took over from Tory Quitter and unmemorable PM, David Cameron, but soon realised their initial good feelings were most probably down to weekend binge drinking. The beleaguered PM can’t seem to do anything right for the British public, a reputation she has earned by not doing anything right.
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
29th July 2017
​
A BRIEF SCRAPE-UP OF THE WEEK’S TOP TABLOID STORIES, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB BY MAKING SLIGHTLY LESS THAN NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER.
​
Hello weekenders!
​
A list of the top twenty places to live has just been published. It may surprise many people that Manchester failed to make the list. Despite being a vibrant and happenin’ city it always fails to make the list. The only appearance of the Northwest was the Derbyshire Dales. The winner was Winchester.
​
Meanwhile, opinion polls show President Trump’s “approval rating” has gone down to 35%, which is thirty-odd per cent higher than you’d expect.
​
All singing, all dancing showman and Doctor Who star, John Barrowman, collapsed in agony and had to have emergency surgery for appendicitis. He was pictured recovering in hospital, wearing Tardis socks, which are presumably bigger on the inside.
​
The Mail Online* reveals that Theresa May is on a 3-week holiday – and has worn the same pink dress for the second time in three days! This is apparently a big story. Shouldn’t the Mail be supporting the Tory PM not ridiculing her fashion repeats? THIS IS NOT NEWS.
​
* You can’t even use this version to line a litter tray, so what’s the point of it?
​
And over to this weekend’s weather – it’s Britain, so the weather is all over the place – get over it, but choose a pub with a roof on.
​
Now that you’re totally and utterly politically aware have a good weekend!
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
25th July 2017
THINGS MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY
If you are depending on the lottery to bring you a rollover (apparently that’s a ruddy big win) then you’d better forget it and try and find happiness elsewhere.
Personally I don’t do the lottery, so my chances of winning are greatly reduced, but I’m assured that an awful lot of people do. With those desperate hopefuls in mind, someone has kindly published a list (mainly ways of dying) designed to crush your optimism. These are all things which are apparently more likely to happen to you than you winning the lottery: dying in a plane crash, getting struck by lightning, being stung to death, dying of a dog bite, giving birth to identical twins… twice, having more than two testicles and finding a four-leafed clover.
This is all very well, but when I was young, when we used to spend a lot of time doing sports – by which I mean sitting down on grass – we often found four-leafed clovers, so I’d take these statistics with a pinch of salt.
​
BELOW: Gywnevere prepares to drop the winning balls.
​
​
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
22nd July 2017
​
Does anyone miss the Cold War? Don’t worry – it seems President Trump is doing his best to bring back those glory days when the threat of nuclear annihilation was more likely than milk being available for school children or the electric working or the bins being emptied.
​
TRUMP HAS PLUNGED AMERICA INTO AN ETHICS CRISIS AND MADE THE COUNTRY A 'LAUGHINGSTOCK', SAYS ETHICS CHIEF WHO RESIGNED
​
RUSSIA DEMANDS RETURN OF PROPERTY FROM U.S.
​
President Trump, famous for balancing something on his head, and his son, Young Trump Junior, have (allegedly) become embroiled in an alleged conspiracy involving Russia conspiring in a conspiratorial manner to (allegedly) help Trump Senior to win the election. Well, he did win, but how exactly he won has been considerably more puzzling than any X File. The whole sorry story is too long and convoluted for now, but all you need to know is that the Russians are quite cross and are probably now wishing they’d supported someone or something more reliable. Like a turnip in a fish tank. (Allegedly.)
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
21st July 2017
​
ANOTHER ROUND-UP OF THE WEEK’S TOP TABLOID STORIES, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WITHOUT MAKING ANY EFFORT WHATSOEVER; ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WORLD EVENTS AND LESS.
​
Evening pop pickers. Sinnita, former pop person, has been rejected as a Big Brother housemate… God, is that still going… because of her diva-like demands, which include visits from her dog, a swearing ban and tequila. She could do with Googling herself to find out how big a star she really isn’t… and wise up lady: A-list celebs don’t have time to go on BB because they’re too busy going to premiers and showing Hello magazine round their gracious drawing rooms; it’s D-listers only, so it says a lot that you were in the running.
Shooting Stars star, Vic Reeves, is to join the Street. By which I mean he’s joining the cast of northern institution Coronation Street, not being evicted from his home. As far as we know. Reeves has been noted as an actor of some repute – he’s got Vic Reeves down to a fine art – it’s just that he struggles with other characters. And why shouldn’t he join the soap’s cast? Everyone who’s anyone or someone or even no one has done so far.
​
Well, that’s a round-up of all the news that doesn’t remotely matter, so impress your friends and have a good weekend! Taxi!
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
19th July 2017
DAVID BECKHAM’S SISTER JOANNE ‘EXPECTING HER FIRST CHILD’
So what! That is absolutely, utterly and completely NOT NEWS!
​
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
18th July 2017
MAN WITH 'DEVAST8' FACE TATTOO SAYS HE CAN'T FIND WORK
I bet he does. Nineteen-year-old Mark Cropp got the tattoo in prison, serving a two-year sentence for aggravated robbery. It was done by his cellmate after they’d both got drunk on homemade grog. His cellmate, incidentally, was his brother. The tattoo covers the lower half of his face and from a distance looks like a full beard. Having been released from prison he says his tattoo is putting prospective employers off.
​
Here’s a crazy idea… if he grew a beard no one would see the tattoo and he could perhaps successfully find gainful employment. Just a thought.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
17th July 2017
​
MARTIN LANDAU DEAD AT 89…
​
Thanks to Mirror Online for this sensitive headline.
​
Martin Landau was an award-winning actor, probably best known in this country – if you’re of a certain age – as Commander Koenig from Space 1999. If you’re of a different certain age you will remember him as Rollin in Mission:Impossible. He was a truly charismatic actor, despite not being required to act in either of these classics, and despite being married to Barbara Bain, who also starred in both these. Interestingly, the Mirror neglected to mention Space 1999 in their write-up, despite using a photo of Landau in his spacesuit.
Space 1999 was great fun at the time; the moonbase sets and costume were amazing and the effects were astounding. It was produced by Gerry Anderson of Thunderbirds fame, who didn’t seem to realise that real people weren’t puppets and might have characters. Bain isn’t a bad actress, but in this all she does is wear lip gloss and pout.
​
The series was let-down by tedious fantasy writing and weekly aliens that came from the Planet Glam, with spray on silver and high heels. But for a generation of kids Space 1999 represented the future… as it was literally set in the future. Which is now the past.
​
Martin Landau died at the weekend, in hospital, of “complications”. He was an inspirational actor and featured in the X Files and also some films that mattered, such as Hitchcock’s North by Northwest.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
15th July 2017
A ROUND-UP OF THE WEEK’S TOP TABLOID STORIES, SO YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB WITHOUT MAKING ANY EFFORT WHATSOEVER; ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WORLD EVENTS.PROBABLY.
​
Jamie and Louise Redknapp have apparently split up. In a shock revelation, the Strictly Come Dancing star took the kids on holiday and former football ace didn’t! Louise was photographed on holiday “looking glum” but still “wearing her wedding ring”! THIS IS NOT NEWS.
​
Following another shock revelation there has been an outcry because Gordon Ramsay HATES pineapple pizza. THIS IS NOT NEWS.
​
In a revelation that didn’t shock anyone, jaded British PM, Theresa May, said some things this week, but no one was listening. Some of it was probably about Brexit, but equally it could have been her recipe for lemon drizzle cake – no one paid any attention, but she was photographed looking tired. A female spokesman said something, but again no one was listening. The spokesman also looked relatively tired.
​
Meanwhile, across the pond President Trump yet again embarrassed his nation. (That’s just a guess, but almost certainly true. Let’s save time by just assuming he said or did something inappropriate.)
​
Angelina Jolie’s kids are apparently the spitting image of Brad Pitt. Gasp! Wonder if their dad knows. THIS IS NOT NEWS.
​
Anyway, it’s your round! Happy weekend!
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
9th July 2017
BRITAIN’S MOST TOXIC PLANT SPREADING ACROSS THE UK AFTER HEATWAVE!
Experts warn that Giant Hogweed, dubbed “Britain’s most dangerous plant”, is taking over our country due to the recent heatwave. It came to our fair isle in 1893, stealing our women and our jobs and making our countryside all floral.
Have you seen this plant? It is armed and dangerous. Do not approach. It sometimes disguises itself as cow parsley and takes on an assumed name, such as Medium Hogweed.
(Yes reader, it really annoys me when the media do this kind of scare-mongering, sensationalist reporting, creating a state of botanical-related panic. Remember avocado-gate from a couple of month’s back?)
BE WARNED: If you tolerate Giant Hogweed your children will be next!
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
8th July 2017
Well Newshounds, it’s been a right old week for world news and politics; it’s time for a round-up.
THIS IS EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUB. IF YOU’RE DRINKING ALONE YOU CAN IMPRESS YOURSELF... OR USE THE TIME TO QUESTION WHY YOU’RE DRINKING ALONE.
Theresa May and Donald Trump are to meet for the first time. This is a comedy pairing as amusing as the Thatcher/Reagan combo. May is being criticised for omitting Climate Change from the Global Summit. Other PMs haven’t taken the plight of our collapsing eco-system seriously; Margaret Thatcher was famously quoted, referring to: “…humdrum issues like the environment.”
There were plans to erect a statue of Mrs Thatcher in Parliament Square, until the powers that be realised she WASN’T Winston Churchill and she WASN’T very popular. Carol Thatcher was unhappy that the statue didn’t feature he mother’s signature handbag. There were also fears that the statue would be an irresistible target for vandals, so the plans were scrapped. Hundreds of Liverpool dockers and former miners had to cancel their London coach trips.
Theresa May is, of course, only the second female Prime Minister of Britain… and already seems to be as hated as Thatcher became. It’s strange to think May actually WON the election, because the country seems to have voted for her then turned on her.
Another now-hated former PM, Tony Blair, has also been in the news. There are rumblings about making him stand trial for the Iraqi War. People took to the streets to protest about the war: the people said NO, but Tony said YES. It looks like the white dove of peace has come home to roost and teach Tony a lesson about democracy.
I think that’s all you need to know to impress your friends in the pub this weekend. Cheers!
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
7th July 2017
​
BBC HITS BACK AFTER REPORTS BLUE PETER EPISODE FAILED TO GET A SINGLE VIEWER
​
Now, I don’t need to research this because it has one foot in yesteryear. Ah, poor old Blue Peter… but isn’t that the point? It’s OLD. This report is perhaps timely, as veteran presenter, John Noakes, sadly died last week. He was surely the best presenter ever, with his comedy voice and witticisms. Blue Peter was for the kids who could spell and count, while on “the other side” there was Magpie for the… well, the others. Magpie was trashy and seemed to be hosted by Brian May, or her husband Anita Dobson, who – as we all know – are really the same person. Anita was, of course, an actress famous for being on Eastenders, though her hair was in pop classic act Queen for many years.
​
Anyway, the BBC – via an “insider” (how mysterious!), referred to only as “she” – said, that Blue Peter “is performing amazingly well in a digital age” which is an interesting statement, as it is still coal-powered. “She” went on to say: "The show will celebrate its 60th anniversary next year and there's no plans to cancel it." I think “She” means there ARE no plans to cancel it. I remember the BBC saying that about Doctor Who in the late ‘Eighties – just before they axed it.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
​
6th July 2017
​
PRINCE CHARLES AND CAMILLA SLAMMED FOR DISRESPECTING…
​
The headline doesn’t tell us what or who they’ve disrespected. How very tantalising.
Post Google: I had assumed the disrespecting was at a memorial for one of the terrorist attacks, in which case it would be unacceptable, but no… They giggled during a traditional “throat singing” concert in Canada. (That’s actually more bizarre than the headline!) But this is the man who wished he was a tampon and said: “Whatever love is…” on national television in front of his young bride-to-be. However, despite his yearning to be sanitary protection, I do have time for his sensitive opinions on architecture. And I imagine he makes a very considered cup of tea.
​
​
STOP!PRESS! A brief and cynical glance at the arse-end of the gutter press
​
5th July 2017
​
CHERYL “EXASPERATED” OVER AGE GAP WITH LIAM.
​
I don’t know what this means. I’d guess at Cheryl Cole… or whatever she calls herself now, and the only Liam I know is Liam Oasis, formerly of Gallagher. Are they having a relationship? Who cares? But why is she exasperated?
​
Post Google: Liam refers to a previous X Factor contestant. Why is she surprised? It looks like she’s taking a stroll with her son! THAT ISN’T NEWS!
​
You know you're getting past it when the headlines don't make any sense to you.
​
​
​
​